Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Who am I?

The next few posts will be a series of ramblings, as I try to communicate some of my thoughts about life after losing a child. First, I think I need to provide some of you a little background information.

Noah at 15 days old.

In January of 2007, we welcomed identical twin boys into our family, born at just 24 weeks gestation. After just 6 short weeks, we had to say good bye to one of our sweet boys, Noah. Nate remained in the hospital for 3.5 months before we were able to bring him home.

After experiencing any loss, there is a proper grieving process one must go through. It was very tough for me to properly grieve my child, mostly due to our family situation. We had two young children at home (3 year old and 1 year old), and we also had Nate, who was not out of the woods himself. Even after we brought Nate home from the hospital, our lives were very busy and I did not have a lot of time to work through my feelings about Noah.

Noah the day he passed.

Anyway, I found a doctor and began going to therapy. I continued to go for the next year. During that time, I was taking a couple of different medications for the depression and also to help me sleep at night. I enjoyed my time spent with Lily, and learned a great deal about myself in the process.

About six months ago, I sort of quit seeing the doctor, and without seeing her, I also quit taking all the medication. Probably not the best decision I’ve ever made, but it is what it is. She was wanting me to come about once a week and it was becoming very stressful to me to find childcare that often to go. So I quit.

Over the last six months I have done a lot of self analysis and reflection, praying, reading and working on my relationship with God.

I am a changed person. I have been waiting for the last 18 months for the “old me” to return. It has not. It never will. I will never be the same person I was 18 months ago. I feel like a misfit. I have a changed perspective.

My sincere apologies to the friends who have stood by my side through all that has happened and helped when no one asked you to help. I have been withdrawn from you, because I don’t feel like I fit in like I used to. It is not because of you, it is because I am a different person now. I am still discovering exactly who I am.

1 comment:

Wendi @ Every Day Miracles said...

I so get this Kellie. Unfortunately this club that we never signed up for that is called "being a parent who has lost a child" has changed us forever. The beauty though is that we are deeper. We are more compassionate. We cry harder, but we laugh harder too. God is using a terrible circumstance in our lives and is in process of turning it into something so intricately beautiful that he can't help but smile when he thinks of the end result. It is refining us.
It takes time. I don't know about you, but I wished so many times that I could push "fast forward" on the grieving process. I just wanted to get through it. I am learning that to grieve properly that can not be done. :( I know it is hard. It is also hard to reach out to friends along the way, but it is so, so good to be loved.
You are such a good mommy and I am glad to have crossed paths with you.