Thursday, September 4, 2008

All about Me, Me, Me

I have been a very selfish mother. Even after I had Grace, I pretty much continued to live my life doing exactly what I wanted to do. I just brought her along. After I had Sam, things were rough. It was no longer about what I wanted to do, and things got a little difficult. I was forced to give up a lot. After some time, I eventually figured out how to turn things around so that my needs were met also. I figured out a way to justify watching HGTV during the day, because it is pretty much rated G and since there isn't really anything else for the kids to watch, figured out how to get the kids to let me be in the morning hoping to sneak in a few extra minutes of laying in bed, arranged playdates with MY friends and their kids, so that I could visit while the kids played and left the adults alone. Anyway, looking back at what type of mom I have been thus far, well, I'm not really proud of myself.

I have learned the really hard way, that the time we have with our children is very short. I am trying hard to not live in fear that today might be the last day we have, but that thought is always in the back of my mind. When I say that I want to live like there's no tomorrow, I don't mean going out and whooping it up.

I want my kids to know God. I want them to know that I love them. I want to watch them breathe. I want to snuggle with them in their jammies. I want to read books, or tickle, or play playdoh. I want to be engaged with them.

I am sad that it has taken me this long to finally "get" this. There will be plenty of time for "me", just later. Now is not my time. I have made many friends, who some are in different "places" than I am, and they are able to have more time for themselves. I have tried so hard to be there with them, and have struggled to keep up with all the activities. I am done with that. I am sitting this one out. I'm tired to running the race to keep up with everyone else, when I am failing my own family.

I think this is why I have had so much trouble with Grace going to school this year. To some degree, my time with her is less. I will not get these preschool years back, and I have robbed her of my undivided attention. By any means, I don't think my children are mistreated or troubled or anything, but I don't feel like I have been all that I wanted to be for them either.

I love all of them so much and I want to live my life with no regrets, therefore, I am slowly surrendering my selfish vices in order to fully be the mom I desire.

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